it's all ok...?

I stumbled upon Garance Doré's mini-series of blog entries titled My First Times... of how I found my calling, if indeed it has been found. After a few summer jobs that defied economic laws, a college party that lasted four years, and that first job I got because of a pair of boots, I had decided to face my fears and try myself at being an illustrator. My dream, vs reality. But wait, reality kept coming on...

And now perhaps I should stop being afraid (read: whining) about the possibility of living in a box on a grimy street in New York City -- or worse, moving back in with the family -- and start being proactive, take life day by day doing the best I can, go with the flow, and have faith that eventually everything will work out. Eventually.

I think the eventually part is what scares me more than the idea of never. If we know that something is never going to happen, we make adjustments, adapt in order to move on to a new path. But with eventually, there's always that lingering hope that some day it's all going to work out, and until then you just have to settle. A New York Times opinion piece writes, "The millions of young people who cannot get jobs ... are in danger of losing their faith in the future. They are indefinitely postponing the life they wanted and prepared for; all that matters is finding rent money." Indeed, my peers and I are at a point in our lives where we can only live in two extreme states: immersing ourselves fully in the present and enjoying every moment of it without thought of consequences, or applying all our energies into doing things that will secure our future, but without guarantees.

Being abroad, I am in an uncomfortable split between these two extreme states. I want to travel around Spain and Europe, meet people, become so much a part of the culture that people I meet won't be able to guess that I am from the States. I want to dance all night, sleep in past noon, and wake up without that guilty feeling of having wasted time because I could have done something "more productive." But I have spent more days than I would have liked sitting in my room on a beautiful, sunny day pouring over classes I can potentially take over the summer (and how to pay for them at over a thousand dollars a credit), searching for internships, sending out cover letters and résumés that go without response, worrying about my GPA and grad school for architecture, and napping not to rest but to avoid all the disappointment.

It is quite difficult to find balance. If I found balance, I would be content.



(Dear Universe, this is a plea.)